Can we all share a moment of silence for the dreaded first date? And for the “deal-breaker” second date? And while we’re at it…say an omen that men and women around the globe choose their words carefully during those “oh-so important” first few hours of meeting someone.
As part of the painful, rip-roaring singles scene, I’ve heard some pretty odd sentences spewing out of my date’s mouth. I mean, I know we’re both nervous, but I’m a potential girlfriend…not some dude’s therapist! What happened to manners, “safe conversation,” and at least “pretending to be normal?” Geez guys, at least wait til the third date to drop the bomb that you had webbed-feet as an infant or that your family was in a cult. Because at the rate some of you spew out weird facts and opinions…the first time becomes the last time I lay eyes on you.
Sadly, Things My Ears Have Heard on Dates:
1. “I talk to my ex-wife on a daily basis.” (Maybe you should talk to your therapist then…)
2. “I can’t believe it took me 45 minutes to get to your house! Ugh…” (That’s ok…you don’t have to drive here EVER again. By the way, you’re the one who lives in the burbs …NOT me.)
3. “Ron Paul is my hero. And here’s why…..blah blah blah.” (Sorry, this isn’t a tea party or an occupy movement…this is martini bar you idiot.)
4. “See these scabs on my face? A few weeks ago, I put my dog to sleep. Then I got so drunk, I face-planted into a brick wall.” (Truth: Very, very sad. Reality: Stay home until the scabs heal and never admit this to a woman. EVER.)
5. “I’m strictly on the Paleo diet. I rarely cheat.” (For you “non-Neanderthals”…this means you only eat meat and vegetables. Sorry Fred…go back to Wilma. I can’t give up butter in this lifetime.)
6. “I still follow Phish.” (The only phish I want to see are the ones swimming in the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor.)
7. I never drink wine because there’s too much sugar in it.” (Check, please.)
8. “The more I make…the more I spend.” (Please tell me you’ll pass on this honorable quote to your children….or better yet…place it on your headstone.)
9. “I’m basically a workaholic. I go to work every morning at 4:30.” (I’m basically lazy. I try to sneak out of work early every afternoon at 4:30.)
10. “I make my own dog food exclusively. Those bagged brands are so full of chemicals.” (Wow, I can barely cook for me…And who knew “Purina” was a 4-letter word?)
11. “I love Vibram shoes…you know the ones with the frog toes. I have four pairs.” (Do you live in Boulder? If not, can you please move there immediately? And by the way, I don’t date amphibians.)
12. “Even though my mom asks me to go to church with her every Christmas Eve, I never go.” (Completely. Pathetic. And I won’t go on a date with you ever again.)
13. “How can you not love the Green Bay Packers!!” (Sorry, last time I checked…I was not a dude. Or a person who would wear a block of cheese on her head.)
14. “I just resigned from my job today.” (Then who’s paying for our dinner and drinks tonight?!)
And last, but not least…
15. “After swimming in the pool last night, my kid crapped in his pants.” (And you’re looking for a stepmom for this so-called little angel??)
OK, I admit, I’m not perfect either….I’m sure I’ve spouted out some doozies on occasion. But heck, I would certainly never tell a guy I drink my milk straight out of the carton, or that I’ve used my earring to scrape food out of my teeth…or that my family is crazy and dysfunctional and should be on a reality show.
Or maybe I did? …. :)