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Please Say You Didn’t Say That. But oh my God…You Did!

Can we all share a moment of silence for the dreaded first date?  And for the “deal-breaker” second date?   And while we’re at it…say an omen that men and women around the globe choose their words carefully during those “oh-so important” first few hours of meeting someone.

As part of the painful, rip-roaring singles scene, I’ve heard some pretty odd sentences spewing out of my date’s mouth.  I mean, I know we’re both nervous, but I’m a potential girlfriend…not some dude’s therapist!  What happened to manners, “safe conversation,” and at least “pretending to be normal?”  Geez guys, at least wait til the third date to drop the bomb that you had webbed-feet as an infant or that your family was in a cult.   Because at the rate some of you spew out weird facts and opinions…the first time becomes the last time I lay eyes on you.

Sadly, Things My Ears Have Heard on Dates:

1.  “I talk to my ex-wife on a daily basis.”   (Maybe you should talk to your therapist then…)

2.  “I can’t believe it took me 45 minutes to get to your house!  Ugh…”  (That’s ok…you don’t have to drive here EVER again.  By the way, you’re the one who lives in the burbs …NOT me.)

3.  “Ron Paul is my hero.   And here’s why…..blah blah blah.”  (Sorry, this isn’t a tea party or an occupy movement…this is martini bar you idiot.)

4.  “See these scabs on my face?  A few weeks ago, I put my dog to sleep.  Then I got so drunk, I face-planted into a brick wall.”  (Truth:  Very, very sad.  Reality: Stay home until the scabs heal and never admit this to a woman.  EVER.)

5.  “I’m strictly on the Paleo diet.  I rarely cheat.”   (For you “non-Neanderthals”…this means you only eat meat and vegetables.  Sorry Fred…go back to Wilma.  I can’t give up butter in this lifetime.)

6.  “I still follow Phish.”  (The only phish I want to see are the ones swimming in the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor.)

7.  I never drink wine because there’s too much sugar in it.”  (Check, please.)

8.  “The more I make…the more I spend.”  (Please tell me you’ll pass on this honorable quote to your children….or better yet…place it on your headstone.)

9.  “I’m basically a workaholic.  I go to work every morning at 4:30.”  (I’m basically lazy.  I try to sneak out of work early every afternoon at 4:30.)

10.  “I make my own dog food exclusively.  Those bagged brands are so full of chemicals.”  (Wow, I can barely cook for me…And who knew “Purina” was a 4-letter word?)

11.  “I love Vibram shoes…you know the ones with the frog toes.  I have four pairs.”  (Do you live in Boulder?  If not, can you please move there immediately?  And by the way, I don’t date amphibians.)

12.  “Even though my mom asks me to go to church with her every Christmas Eve, I never go.”   (Completely. Pathetic.  And I won’t go on a date with you ever again.)

13.  “How can you not love the Green Bay Packers!!”  (Sorry, last time I checked…I was not a dude.  Or a person who would wear a block of cheese on her head.)

14.  “I just resigned from my job today.”  (Then who’s paying for our dinner and drinks tonight?!)

And last, but not least…

15.  “After swimming in the pool last night, my kid crapped in his pants.”  (And you’re looking for a stepmom for this so-called little angel??)

OK, I admit, I’m not perfect either….I’m sure I’ve spouted out some doozies on occasion.  But heck, I would certainly never tell a guy I drink my milk straight out of the carton, or that I’ve used my earring to scrape food out of my teeth…or that my family is crazy and dysfunctional and should be on a reality show.

Or maybe I did?  ….  :)

 

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12 Responses to “Please Say You Didn’t Say That. But oh my God…You Did!”

  1. Katie
    March 6th, 2012 at 9:53 PM

    Ha!
    Those are cringe-worthy! Here’s to you finding the right guy (with a nice mom). Don’t give up…
    =)
    Katie
    Katie recently posted…"I didn’t know I was pregnant…"

  2. nan @ lbddiaries
    March 7th, 2012 at 11:50 AM

    WOW – those guys are totally clueless! I think even being nervous, you would hope one could keep from spouting some of those lines out – and if not? RUN, Forrest, RUN! I met Alpha Hubby at work – right after I convinced my friend to QUIT trying to set me up. She was also clueless!
    nan @ lbddiaries recently posted…As Time Goes By

  3. Bren
    March 8th, 2012 at 5:35 AM

    OMG, too funny….I think some of my best laughs have come after we have had these dates. At least you aren’t getting the ones who keep crying on your dates…..yikes get a counselor not a date people.

  4. Karen@WaistingTime
    March 8th, 2012 at 6:07 AM

    I am so glad I’m married! It’s been a very, very long time since I went on a date.
    Karen@WaistingTime recently posted…I Never Met a Cookie I Didn’t Like

  5. My Inner Chick
    March 8th, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    I never drink wine because there’s too much sugar in it.” (Check, please.)
    Haaaaaa.
    Talk about creeeeeps. WOW.
    My Inner Chick recently posted…A Beautiful, Unexpected Gift

  6. totsymae1011
    March 8th, 2012 at 6:35 PM

    Not going too well, huh. Tough out here for a single woman. But at least you didn’t ignore the signs and meet the family. Apples are never far from the tree.

  7. Kim @ CoffeePotChronicles
    March 10th, 2012 at 12:09 AM

    I think I just about peed my pants laughing at most of those! Too dang funny!

    Yea, if a date told me he didn’t drink wine (or beer) I’d probably be running for the door. Nothing wrong with people who choose to not drink but I don’t need someone who may end up judging me because I like wine every so often. Now I’m really glad I’m married. LOL
    Kim @ CoffeePotChronicles recently posted…A Weigh-In and A Thank You

  8. Missy | The Literal Mom
    March 15th, 2012 at 12:29 PM

    Oh my goodness, those are terrible! Yuck. You should start a series or something – as terrible as they are they’re totally fun to read! Thanks for visitin on my SITS day!
    Missy | The Literal Mom recently posted…5 Ways Blogging Improves Life

  9. Jen Klein
    March 27th, 2012 at 11:41 AM

    My favorite is your answer to #7. Total dealbreaker!
    Jen Klein recently posted…A handful of random items.

  10. Charlotte
    March 29th, 2012 at 11:28 AM

    Wow. Wow. WOW. Yea, I got nothing. Some of these are really doozies. Like the sugar/wine comment. And the faceplant guy. But I do have a soft spot in my heart for the guy who still follows Phish. Maybe because I’m almost 33 (next week; AAAAAH!!!) and Phish never gets old for me either :)
    Charlotte recently posted…Coming out of hibernation

  11. Aileen
    May 2nd, 2012 at 7:11 PM

    How I miss hearing about your horror date stories! You’re a magnet for those kinds…. Ahhhh… How did I get so lucky?!?!

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