Dude, Man Up!

OK – I’m going to rant about single dudes taking “healthy eating” to an extreme. If I hear one more single guy sputter he’s gluten free, dairy free, egg free, and nut free – I may just overdose on Captain Crunch.   What can the poor guy eat then?  Wild venison with chopped cabbage smothered with honey?  Ugh…No thanks.

If you’re allergic to certain foods — I understand.  If you’re a Menverite trying to lose 40 pounds – I get it.  But if you’re just trying to gear up for your next 30 Rock “marathon” and love dropping the term “dairy free” in conversation — Pleazzzzzeeee  get over yourself!  Yes, I know this is Denver, home of the healthiest peeps on the planet, but…Dude…man up!  Once in awhile — indulge in some southern barbeque, fried chicken…heck…go crazy and BUTTER your own WHEAT toast.  New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he eats a steak and a giant pile of macaroni and cheese before each game – and yet I don’t see him dying of heart disease between the 3rd and 4th quarter.

5 Signs a Man Needs to “Man Up” his Menu:

1. If he ice-climbs over the weekend, but then refuses to eat a “non-organic” apple…

2. If his body fat percentage is below mine…

3. If he spends more money at Whole Foods than his mortgage…

4. If he actually likes Kale chips more than Pringles…

5. If he tells you he doesn’t drink wine because it has “too much sugar”…

Dating these type of extremists can be tough.  In the good ole days, “cooking romantically together” involved melting cheese for fondue, sautéing veggies in butter, then blow torching mini crème brulees.  But now I’ve got to be happy chopping up raw vegetables and baking kale chips?  Huh?? Somehow they don’t compare.

I went on several dates recently with a guy preaching about his “Paleo” diet.   (He only eats meat and vegetables.  Like a caveman!)  He bragged about his daily egg white omelet with organic avocados…minus the cheese.  Hey buddy – sorry to break the news – but you can’t call an omelet “an omelet” if it’s missing the cheese. Those are called “eggs.”  And some of us don’t have the luxury of playing gourmet chef at 6:30 am like you do.  I’m too busy shaving my legs, feeding the dog, and hoping I don’t back my car into the closed garage door.  This ain’t no Sunday brunch…this is “I’ve got 5 minutes to get my late ass to work!”  And speaking of dogs…the Paleo guy also told me he cooks his own dog food!  So now he and his dogs are all following the same diet.  I guess that makes grocery shopping easy.

I’m not the only woman struggling with the “extreme healthy eating man.”  My friend Kristen met a guy out for a first date who told her starch was his enemy!  (Enemy, really?  Shouldn’t that term be saved for now deceased North Korean leader Kim Jong-il and his successor son Kim Jong-un?)  This guy told her he doesn’t eat rice after 5 pm.  He even bragged that if his dad takes him out to eat a burger – he won’t eat one!  What guy won’t eat a burger with his dad?  That breaks every rule about male bonding.  At the end of the date…as a joke…she handed him a snack sized Snickers bar…and he refused!   Who refuses a snack sized Snickers??  That’s un-American.  Come on — kids fight over those things every Halloween!

Truth be told – I watch what I eat too.  I exercise, stay away from trans fat and buy organic milk and eggs.  But I also salivate while thinking about “salt and vinegar” potato chips — and love pulling “u-turns” when I see a Sonic sign.   One day I’m going to tie an “extreme healthy eating man” to a chair and force tator tots down his throat.  Covered in cheese and chili!  And then laugh like a villain.

Bottom line – is an “extreme healthy eating man” going to break up with me if he catches me drooling in the Albertsons doughnut aisle?  If so, then he’d better break up with me now so I can eat my chocolate glazed doughnut in peace.

The best and worst place in Albertsons


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57 comments on this post.
  1. Jeana:

    Lisa, you are hysterical!! I love you.

  2. thedoseofreality:

    Cracking up! As someone who used to reside in Boulder, I so get what you are talking about! Great post! :) Came over via SITS. So glad I did!
    thedoseofreality recently posted…The Pressure is ON

  3. Katie:

    good god. That wouldn’t work for me.
    Katie recently posted…do you believe in ghosts? [part one]

  4. Ashley @ Stinker Babies:

    OMG I laughed all the way through this! So true!! Since when did men become such high maintenance drama queens? I’m all for trying to make healthy choices, but in moderation please. I would feel like a total failure around one of those guys. Of course…Maybe I should hire one to get me back in shape. Hmm… Glad I found your blog! (from SITS)
    Ashley @ Stinker Babies recently posted…Oh hello, Ryan Gosling!

  5. BarefootMedStudent:

    I so completely agree! I’m still meaning to fully research the paleo diet, but it sounds relatively okay. But gee, there’s nothing wrong with indulging once in a while… I looooved this post :D

    Visiting via SITS Sharefest :)
    BarefootMedStudent recently posted…The Meeting: Ni & Mi

  6. Bren:

    Oh lord, since when are supposed to be more high maintenance than women when it comes to their eating habits. I’m pretty convinced that when I get my hands on Gluten free cookies that just means I am aloud to eat more…..Is that false?

  7. Ilene:

    Came over from SITS. You’re a riot!
    Ilene recently posted…Balthazar, The Coolest Guy on Facebook

  8. Mic:

    Always love your blog articles and writing style. If I was a single woman…or even a single man…I’d take lessons from your blog. Alas I am a married man of almost 15 years and I still enjoy your blog. Keep writing…keep dating…and Mr. Right will come along and get more than he ever bargained for!

  9. Casey:

    Then there are the CO guys who follow all these diet rules, but somehow beer doesn’t apply. In Colorado, beer just as well might be water!

  10. Kristin:

    So funny and so true!!

  11. kristen:

    Hilarious! Completely agreed. This day and age people are definitely taking fad diets a little too far! I’d say mention you’d like a dessert date to all new second dates….and then act accordingly:)

  12. Candace:

    I always love reading your posts…so funny AND TRUE! Keep ‘em coming!!!

  13. Jen Klein:

    I will defend the kale chip! Actually, I finally figured out how to make them at home without turning them into either char or a salt lick. The other stuff, though — hilarious. My husband is one of those egg white/fresh spinach/organic tomato/whole wheat tortilla breakfast eaters. I just smile sweetly at him over my coffee and doughnut…
    Jen Klein recently posted…The accidental procrastination post.

  14. Chithra Volluz:

    Love your blog! ALWAYS a great laugh! Keep them coming!!!!!!!!!

  15. Mike:

    I’ve started eating sweet potato fries instead of regular fries, BUT I dip them in mayo.

  16. Kate:

    Hilarious! Reminds me of some of the guys in Austin! :)

  17. Kazza Pee:

    If a man is on a Paleo diet does that mean he is also liable to club you over the head and drag you by the hair into his cave?

  18. Kerry:

    Just when I think you can’t get funnier… you prove me wrong. Loved this one. Can’t wait for your next one.

  19. Emily:

    Amen sista!! There’s just something about a guy who, if he could, would ONLY eat steak and drink beer every single day. If they actually DO, then that might be an issue. But, still, for some reason that’s a real man to me. :-)
    Emily recently posted…Try This: Cinco de Mayo Margaritas Recipe

  20. PhotogCynthia:

    Hilarious. So glad I am past the dating stage of life. I don’t think I could take it.
    PhotogCynthia recently posted…Best Weight Watchers Pinterest Boards

  21. nan @ lbddiaries:

    So, so funny! Way back when, I dated a guy like that. NO middle ground. He was really boring when I look back on it. It’s ALL he talked about, his body, his food, his health. If they are that religious about their diets and foods, you’re right, they’d freak to know you were at Albertson’s drooling. Alpha Hubby is very careful what he eats but leaves room for the occasional extra not on his list.
    nan @ lbddiaries recently posted…Sweetest Passion Redux

  22. Student Mom (Jenn):

    I like the idea of being healthy… I just don’t have the money for it… or the time… it’s a nice idea though.
    Student Mom (Jenn) recently posted…Health, Doctors & Medical Insurance

  23. Co-Pilot Mom:

    I am a believer in the ‘everything in moderation’ philosophy; eat well, but leave room for treats every once in a while. We all need a little indulgence now and then!
    Co-Pilot Mom recently posted…The Bug Rescuers*

  24. Karen:

    OMG Laughing so hard, love your posts woman. I complain about my hubby only eating pasta and burgers, I think I’d take that over these unmanly men,
    Karen recently posted…Mommy Cleaning Schedule

  25. Laura @ Pruning Princesses:

    Used to live in Bozeman MT, I know these types. Your image of tying them up and feeding them tater tots with cheese and chili made me laugh. But here in the heart of car country Michigan, it would be nice to meet someone who knew what gluten was.

  26. Emily @ TheBusyMomsDiet.com:

    Holy Kale Chips Batman! These dudes need to chill out! You’d think they’save the crazy for the 5th date at least! I guess guys will learn as slow as I did, extreme diets never last.

  27. Shell:

    Ha! So funny! I couldn’t be with a man who wouldn’t eat butter, just saying…
    Shell recently posted…On Back to School Blues

  28. Rebecca Rider:

    LOL!! This is too funny!! :) I found you on SITS, and now I gotta follow you on twitter!! :)
    Rebecca Rider recently posted…Interview with "No Regrets Parenting" Author Dr. Harley Rotbart – Part 2!!

  29. Denise Malloy:

    I never trust people who SAY they eat like that. They have a secret stash somewhere – they have to. It’s just not natural.
    Denise Malloy recently posted…Kirkus Reviews A Real Mother

  30. Colleeng:

    Stopping by from SITS today. We have alot of the same here in California. It’s funny because I’m trying to turn over a new leaf and start eating healthier. For me that means strawberry yogurt over a Krisp Kreme! If I got that intense about it, I give up and stop eating altogether. Maybe that’s the goal.

  31. Jamie H:

    I didn’t know men could be like that too!
    Jamie H recently posted…Easy, No-Freeze, Homemade Ice Cream

  32. misssrobin:

    Seriously, who even has time to cook for their dog?
    misssrobin recently posted…Counting My Blessings

  33. Lisa:

    Hmmm Maple Bars. Now that is a true indulgence. I’m allergic to soy but that’s neither here nor there.
    Lisa recently posted…It’s All Good

  34. Kate:

    I can’t even imagine how these guys sound, though honestly, I might prefer them over the college boys who eat three hotdogs and a burrito for dinner that I’m supposed to hang out with… ew.

  35. Sheila Skillingstead:

    Your blog is hilarious but painfully true. Wait till you have kids. My daughter once declared herself a vegetarian. I told her she couldn’t be. She was angry. I reminded her that vegetarians ate vegetables and that’s why she couldn’t be one. She was a Butterfingerian.
    Sheila Skillingstead recently posted…It’s raining

  36. Kim @ Coffee Pot Chronicles:

    I am all about healthy eating these days and generally avoid junk. I won’t lie though…if there’s a good BBQ or a killer pizza calling my name, it’s on like Donkey Kong!

    Yea, there’s a fine line between healthy living and just being crazy. Grow a pair, dudes!
    Kim @ Coffee Pot Chronicles recently posted…Stepping Off the Scale

  37. Mary:

    Thank you for a very funny blog! I’m sending good man finding vibes your way. I am very happy to have passed this stage of my life, but man- I hear ya on everything you have written! Crazy!
    Mary recently posted…I’m gearing up!!

  38. Maggie:

    This is so awesome! And as a mom–I feel the EXACT same way about other moms who have kids that can’t eat high fructose corn syrup, can’t eat cookies, can’t eat fast food, can’t eat gluten, can’t eat air, can’t eat grass, etc. etc. The crazy never ends. Never. Moderation people–it’s what it’s all about!
    Maggie recently posted…Do we really "need to relax?"

  39. Maggie S.:

    Hilarious. True. Happy SITS day.
    Maggie S. recently posted…Writer’s Workshop: Back In Time

  40. Susan in the Boonies:

    Leaza: I’m a little food obsessed myself, but only because I want my food to be delicious. You’re a lovely woman. Happy SITSday!
    Susan in the Boonies recently posted…The Drought, and the God Particle

  41. krystle:

    I love your style. SO funny and fresh.
    krystle recently posted…Benefits of Yoga During Pregnancy

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