It’s a Small Match.com World After All

Watch out where you meet your Match.com dates in Denver! Recently, I found myself in quite a pickle at the Wash Park Tavern. Thursday nights, this place is crawling with match.com-ers. Heck, next time this girl’s gonna demand an online daters’ drink special…
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Girl rushes into a crowded bar…running seven minutes late. Looks for 6’5” match.com “never-met-this-dude” date of the night.

Randomly spots attractive guy who looks vaguely familiar sitting at bar, alone, as if expecting someone. He makes eye contact, smiles, stands, and starts strutting toward her.

Girl suffers mini heart attack as she racks her blonde brain – questioning WHO she is supposed to meet this current evening. Guy A, Guy B…or Z?? Her high-heeled feet freeze.

In about a millisecond, she recognizes “random man approaching her” based on a computer screen photo. She struggles…

Starts hyperventilating as she realizes she has communicated with this guy virtually, but never in person, nor over the phone. Scans around..searching for her “real date of the night” because this guy is clearly SOMEONE ELSE’S first date of the night. Takes a deep breath.

Guy walks up and suavely says….”Hi Christy!” Girl smiles, in shock, then replies…”Noooooooo, I’m Leaza.” Dude’s face flip-flops, sensing his faux-pas. She then gives him a cat-like “knowing” look and murmurs, “But you DO know me.”

Guy quickly realizes this “damsel in distress” is one of his OTHER online blondies from his giant match.com virtual dating posse. But NOT his soiree for tonight. He flashes back to her profile pics, as they stare into each other’s eyes, knowing this could turn awkward QUICKLY for all four parties involved.

The duo does not speak, but somehow telepathically communicates the plan: Exit the scene graceful before anyone gets hurt – or humiliation takes over. More importantly – BEFORE THE “REAL DATES” CATCH ON.

Girl turns 90 degrees and spots her 6’5” “present date” approaching…looks back at “future date”…then laughs as if catching up with an old friend, “It was great seeing you. Let’s talk soon.”

Guy smiles and says, “Definitely. How about next week?” Girl spins on her heel, relishing in their Academy Award winning performances. She slyly greets 6’5’ Guy, but can’t keep her mind off Future Guy.  She knows he will email her later that night.

Seven minutes later a gal named Christy rushes in…

TO BE CONTINUED….

On Match.com...it's a SMALL world!!! (especially at the bars)

To Nose or Not to Nose? That is the Question

Burning the midnight match.com oil late one evening (while perusing through emails)…I found myself corresponding with a single, tall, active fellow. The Denverite’s profile sounded promising – but his pictures – a bit blurry and distorted. Hmmm. Trying not to be TOO alarmed (or critical), my eyes strained as I noticed his hot, attractive body coupled with what appeared to be – OH NO – a disproportionate nose. Staring at my computer monitor a full 5 minutes, I had a decision to make – “chance it,” – or “pass” – and leave the possibility of meeting the big-nosed “man of my dreams” to the next blonde. I chose the former.

During the obligatory “weed-out” phone call, Mr. Nose divulged to me he was an FBI agent. Impressed, I hoped his big nose did not equate to a big ego. I remained open minded and we agreed to meet at a bar in Commons Park. Giving myself a pep talk I reasoned, “A nose is just a nose, right? It doesn’t make us or break us. And maybe those pictures were taken at a weird angle by a REALLY BAD photographer?!”

Date night arrived. I sauntered into the bar, and scanned the crowd, figuring he would be easy to spot. And as I turned my head, checking out the other “first daters,” I found myself eye to eye AND nose to nose with “FBI Guy.”

For the next two hours, he entertained me with details of bank robberies, drug busts, and search warrants. I, however, couldn’t focus on anything BUT his nose – aching to hear stories about how many times he broke his snozzle. I started an internal dialogue with myself, “To Nose or Not to Nose?” – followed by – “Is THAT thing genetic?” – and rounding it out – “It’s worse than Owen Wilson’s nose!”

As the night progressed – and I emptied my wine glass a few times over, FBI Guy’s nose appeared to be….shrinking. A reverse Pinocchio effect – induced by the alcohol. Maybe there was a way to cope! We agreed to meet again…and I secretly challenged myself to GET PAST THE NOSE.

The next day at work, I spent 3 hours obsessively googling pictures of Owen Wilson’s nose, convincing myself I could overcome this obstacle. After all, Owen Wilson was a mega superstar who dated Jennifer Aniston. If she could get over the “nose,” why couldn’t I? What were her tricks of the trade? I secretly wished I could call her.

As our next date approached, I prayed….”Maybe the nose won’t seem so bad the second time…”

I, my friends, was wrong. As FBI Guy and I sat in the “nosebleed” section of the Pepsi Center, I realized THIS match was not going anywhere. If I heard one more first-hand account of handcuffing a criminal, I would go postal myself on this guy – including his nose.  Plus, I certainly didn’t appreciate him interrogating me over past relationships.

While his nose was not growing, his FBI attitude WAS. And I felt perfectly fine to let this future relationship fizzle.

Advice to ManLand: Chivalry Will Get You LUCKY

Dudes, listen up…not sure where you mind is at the present moment (besides counting down the days til March Madness)…but I need you to pay attention.  Five Rockin Rules…that prove…Chivalry will get you LUCKY (aka laid)…

1.  When the check comes — dive for it like a Mexican seagull attacking leftover tortilla chips and salsa on a Cancun beach.  Unlike your loaded “Monday Night Football w/ the boys” nachos…, there is NO five second rule!  Let there be NO moment of hesitation as soon as you even SEE the waiter coming toward the table with the check.  Your hand needs to flutter like “wind beneath my wings”. Bonus points for actually quoting something clever from that cheesy movie.

If you need a visual (which I’m sure you do since you’re a guy)….Imagine Mr. Miyagi in Karate Kid…wax on…wax off….  Grab the check before your date notices.  Make it seamless….like one of those iron-on patches your mom put on your jeans as a kid.  Your damsel will realize quickly you can do wonder with your hands.    Imagine your reflexes are one step ahead of your mind and more importantly — your common sense.  Even better…excuse yourself an go to the bathroom…then slip your credit card to the waiter.   Get used to the idea that it’s your job to primarily pay the dinner check — at least in the beginning.

If you’re already angry reading my words of wisdom – think about it this way….Women are stuck with childbirth, PMS, and painful periods!  Be happy you’re only stuck with the check.  Get over it.  Move on.  Yes, I know women want it all…equality and all that crap.  But just suck it up….because you’ll never have to birth a child or wear a maxipad.

Rules 2 through 5 coming soon…