Archive for the ‘Denver’ Category
Top 10 WORST Emails from Guys on Match.com
Let’s face it – truth is always stranger than fiction. So, I decided to compile a list of my favorite emails from Denver men on match.com. These are ACTUAL quotes…served up straight. And yes ladies, these men are walking the streets of the mile high city. Try not to fight over them.
10. Annie is my favorite play on Broadway. (You already sound like a child molester.)
9. (from an old 52 year old dude) Did you know that Frances Folsom Cleveland married President Grover Cleveland when she was 21 and he 49? They had a beautiful White House wedding and it was the cheer of the nation back then. (Good to know since I wasn’t paying attention in Mrs. Clark’s 8th grade U.S. History class.)
8. So I’ll get right to it — want to grab a beer? Nome of that “coors light” shit though, a real beer. (What, like a PBR? Or a Natural Light?)
7. I have a picture of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on my wall by my work-desk. (Are you flippin’ kidding me???!!!) When I look at their picture, I wonder. When I think of them, I see the idea of “humanitarianism.” We often think of actors as just actors or actresses … but really they are an expression of our best and worse selves. In Harrison Ford, I see the patriot; In Mel Gibson, I see the neurotic; In Nicole Kidman, I see the crusader, and in Demi Moore, I see the iconoclast. What about you? What do you see about the world in certain actor or actresses? (Dude, in your profile pic…I see “America’s Most Wanted” meets “Jersey Shore.”)
6. (from an asian man) I can tell that you’re the type to primarily date cauc-ASIANS b/c you fear that you wont find an Asian that’s taller than you? I have to admit, most are midgets. (Wow, if you were a white man, you would be called a racist! BTW..I’m turning you into the “Little People of America Association.’”)
5. Hey sexy, how was your Monday? I have seen dozens and dozens of women on here and you are far and away one of the hottest ones. (My Monday was great until you emailed me. Don’t ruin my Tuesday please.)
4. Wud up? (Your vocabulary skills clearly scream master’s degree.)
3. That’s what I am like: a heart of compassion – wanting to heal the world and make it a better place. I don’t just want to live; I want to make a difference. All while having fun, smelling the roses … wanting it all… (Do you work for Hallmark? If not I hear Dairy Queen is hiring.)
2. I work for a small up-and-coming terrorist organization in the marketing department. We’re doing great in Wyoming, but we have big hopes and dreams and want to start making a splash on the international circuit. As you can imagine, image is everything with terrorists. So I was thinking about doing a marketing campaign on cable TV, like CNN or maybe the home shopping network, can you help me out? (No, but maybe Suzanne Somers can – or Chuck Norris? Perhaps Sarah Palin when she’s done with her book tour?)
1. My American Dream includes a real life size action and full-of-life Barbie… and you fit the description. (Sorry Ken, get lost. I hear Skipper is single though.)
Feel free to share some of your best and worst…
Writing my Match.com Dissertation
Following “Big Decision for the New Gal in Town….” I attacked my match.com profile with the exuberation of a teenage girl shopping for her first prom dress combined with the writing expertise of an Oxford english PhD student composing a dissertation. This profile HAD to transcend “good”….In southern terms, my mission was to “git ‘er done.” My pale tulle pink manicured fingers started moving at warp speed as I chugged a vodka/cranberry (with extra lime) and set out on my match.com man-finding mission. The words transcended out of my blonde brain into seamless comedic prose on a computer screen. Glancing at my pictures, I made sure to include a wide assortment…close-ups, body shots, me chillin’ on beach chair (bloody mary in hand), moi hiking a 14-er (a must for Denver, Colorado men). After all – I was well-rounded woman, and wanted to secure it was obvious I could tackle outdoor activities in a single bound. I even threw in a photo of my lovely pooch…to prove I could live in peaceful harmony with dog hair…
I typed with a vengeance….the desk light glowing in my corner living room office. If only the neighbors in ritzy Cherry Creek knew little ole’ Leaza was on the brink of something big…something that could change her life — and hopefully someone else’s…completely. If anything, this would at least provide hours of free entertainment giggling with girlfriends. My mouth salivated at the thought of laughing hysterically, comparing horror online dating stories and trying overzealously to outdo each other. Pathetic, yes.
An hour into my pulitzer prize winning challenge, I stared at the giant icon labeled “Profile Complete.” This was THE moment. The moment where my words…and my pictures….transmitted themselves to possibly hundreds of available men in the Denver/Boulder area. I imagined myself…Leaza…as a mass blonde mailing…except instead of ending up in an outdoor mailbox, I would land in someone’s virtual one. I felt as if I was taking a leap of faith…. I giddily scanned my profile for any last minute changes…exhaled, “What the hell?” — then cautiously moved my mouse over “Profile Complete.” Folks…it was time to start this mission. I prepared for the adventure…and clicked…sending my profile to the gods at match.com. I prayed for Zeus to intercede, quickly wondering if I would land in heaven, hell, or god-forbid, gulp, limbo.
Big Decision for the New Gal in Town…
Being the brand spankin’ new kid in D-town (Denver), I’d thought I’d give online dating a shot. So, on a whim, armed with my credit card digits – a plethora of recent party-girl pics – and multiple images of me conquering the great outdoors, I logged on to several of (what I call) the “me-bay” sites. I felt perfectly fine to take ownership of my singledom and market myself to the millions of morons, mullets, macho-men, and Mr. Rights living in the Denver demographics in hopes of finding one decent dude or hot “dudley do-right.” After all, I’m a hot commodity, so why not market to the masses and put U.S. capitalism to work, right? I remembered the good ole’ lesson of supply and demand from 8th grade economics. Limited supply of awesome, available women (i.e. ME) equates to high demand from rich, hot, down-to-earth bachelors (i.e. THEM). Throw in a ski condo, some fine wine, a labrador mutt who adores hiking…and the deal becomes even better, sweeter, and BEYOND palatable…
Which online dating site would I choose? Hmmmm..did I prefer the open “card catalog” approach of match.com…or the “secret ballot” style of e-harmony? For one brief moment I was sold on eHolyHell.com (a.k.a. eharmony), but ultimately decided those commercials were too darn cheesy for moi to appear during future primetime TV lineups (if AND when I did meet Mr. Hot-Dudley-do-right). Besides, I always wondered….where were the commercials portraying the “not-so-cute” people? Those couples seemed to be missing from the airwaves, as if some rich white old/fat/bald guy in an eharmony sterile board room ironically instilled a “no fat/boring/ugly person rule.” Being a dewey decimal girl at heart (and secretly thinking the card catalog approach would work in my favor), I flippantly decided on the match.com 90-day subscription, figuring that would equal more than enough minutes for all the fab singular D-town dudes to fawn at me virtually, in hopes of rubbing knees with me physically. I was salivating at the anticipation of my first wink, that first email…before I even clicked on the “new user” icon. This my friends….was gonna be fun.
