Advice to ManLand: Dance More, Talk More, Text Less

After years of dating – and endless hours dishin’ with girlfriends – I’m entitled to write: 5 Rockin’ Rules…that prove…Chivalry will get you LUCKY!

As promised…Rules 2 through 5 for my ManLand friends…

5.  Dude, if you are lounging at a bar – with a dance floor in sight – get your butt to the dance floor with the same intensity AS IF you were evacuating an exploding plane.   There’s a steadfast decree about a dance floor:  Women quickly turn sour if they WANT to dance…and you DON’T.  If you’re gun-shy…fake it.   But know the caveats: You don’t need to dance to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It.”  We’re blissfully happy grinding with our girl posse in a gi-normous circle in that scenario.  BUT….please grab us immediately if you hear a slow ballad that takes you back to 9th grade, or anything we “made out to” in 12th grade.  Bonus points for “Purple Rain,” Patrick Swayze’s “She’s Like the Wind,” or “Every Rose has its Thorn.”  If you’re embarrassed dancing in front of your guy buddies, think of all the action you will get later that night…while they go home and watch 10 repeats of Sportscenter ALONE.   Continue to think about more kisses in the morning, perhaps a homemade breakfast…some fresh brewed coffee…mmm…while your dufus friends sleep in, overdose on tylenol, and stumble to 7-11.  Aaaahhhhh…the benefits of simply dancing versus standing in the corner.

4.  If your lady’s relatives pop into town, insist you meet and greet…then buy a drink for them.  You don’t have to play “tour guide,” but offer to meet them pre-dinner or post.  ASK QUESTIONS.   Act interested.  Even if you think they’re psycho.  Chances are – they are psycho…but so are your parents – so it’s an even game.  Just think…Your woman will smack good stuff about you in the ladies’ restroom (to mom or sis) within the first 10 minutes of your entrance…(That’s golden!)  If her relatives don’t drink…disregard this paragraph and make sure you hide your vodka in the freezer before they come over unexpectedly.  Since I’m catholic, I have no idea how to survive in a non-alcohol world.   I guess you could take them to Baskin Robbins or Braums…

A Place called ManLand

3.  TALK MORE….TEXT LESS.   How old r u? R u an adult or r u 16???  Pick up your phone and leave an “old-fashioned” voicemail.  Like way way waaaay back in the early 1990’s when you were forced to share the hallway phone with your sister. I know you have memories of stretching the coiled phone cord into your room, closing your bedroom door, and praying for privacy while wearing your parachute pants.  Think of it this way…When you were 18 or 21, you actually had the real b@!!$ to pick up that mustard-yellow rotary phone – give your index finger a work-out – and ask a girl out using actual nouns, verbs, and adjectives. Bottom line: Feel free to text us from time to time…but always….TALK FIRST…TEXT LATER.  Especially if you’re – A: Asking us out – or – B: Giving us the boot.

2. If you sleep with a woman – get mostly naked with her – or she somehow ends up in your/her bed – under the covers – on top of the covers – with the majority of her clothes off/on — CALL HER THE NEXT DAY.  I don’t care if you’re skydiving in the Grand Canyon – or attending Aunt Betty’s funeral in Indiana, get your butt to a cell phone tower while praying to the cellular gods for good reception….BUT ALWAYS CALL THE NEXT DAY.    Simply think of this as insurance for your next hot date with the gal.  In other words, this is prep-work for your upcoming nighttime soiree.  Women today will not put up with your bullcrap.  And in Denver, there’s always another dude around the corner.

1.  And to recap from a previous post:  Pay the check!  Dive for it like a seagull attacking leftover chips and queso on a mexican beach.  In today’s world, women are stuck with childbirth, PMS, and periods.  Be happy you’re only stuck with the check.

Advice to ManLand: Chivalry Will Get You LUCKY

Dudes, listen up…not sure where you mind is at the present moment (besides counting down the days til March Madness)…but I need you to pay attention.  Five Rockin Rules…that prove…Chivalry will get you LUCKY (aka laid)…

1.  When the check comes — dive for it like a Mexican seagull attacking leftover tortilla chips and salsa on a Cancun beach.  Unlike your loaded “Monday Night Football w/ the boys” nachos…, there is NO five second rule!  Let there be NO moment of hesitation as soon as you even SEE the waiter coming toward the table with the check.  Your hand needs to flutter like “wind beneath my wings”. Bonus points for actually quoting something clever from that cheesy movie.

If you need a visual (which I’m sure you do since you’re a guy)….Imagine Mr. Miyagi in Karate Kid…wax on…wax off….  Grab the check before your date notices.  Make it seamless….like one of those iron-on patches your mom put on your jeans as a kid.  Your damsel will realize quickly you can do wonder with your hands.    Imagine your reflexes are one step ahead of your mind and more importantly — your common sense.  Even better…excuse yourself an go to the bathroom…then slip your credit card to the waiter.   Get used to the idea that it’s your job to primarily pay the dinner check — at least in the beginning.

If you’re already angry reading my words of wisdom – think about it this way….Women are stuck with childbirth, PMS, and painful periods!  Be happy you’re only stuck with the check.  Get over it.  Move on.  Yes, I know women want it all…equality and all that crap.  But just suck it up….because you’ll never have to birth a child or wear a maxipad.

Rules 2 through 5 coming soon…