Posts Tagged ‘match.com’
It’s a Small Match.com World After All
Watch out where you meet your Match.com dates in Denver! Recently, I found myself in quite a pickle at the Wash Park Tavern. Thursday nights, this place is crawling with match.com-ers. Heck, next time this girl’s gonna demand an online daters’ drink special…
***********************************
Girl rushes into a crowded bar…running seven minutes late. Looks for 6’5” match.com “never-met-this-dude” date of the night.
Randomly spots attractive guy who looks vaguely familiar sitting at bar, alone, as if expecting someone. He makes eye contact, smiles, stands, and starts strutting toward her.
Girl suffers mini heart attack as she racks her blonde brain – questioning WHO she is supposed to meet this current evening. Guy A, Guy B…or Z?? Her high-heeled feet freeze.
In about a millisecond, she recognizes “random man approaching her” based on a computer screen photo. She struggles…
Starts hyperventilating as she realizes she has communicated with this guy virtually, but never in person, nor over the phone. Scans around..searching for her “real date of the night” because this guy is clearly SOMEONE ELSE’S first date of the night. Takes a deep breath.
Guy walks up and suavely says….”Hi Christy!” Girl smiles, in shock, then replies…”Noooooooo, I’m Leaza.” Dude’s face flip-flops, sensing his faux-pas. She then gives him a cat-like “knowing” look and murmurs, “But you DO know me.”
Guy quickly realizes this “damsel in distress” is one of his OTHER online blondies from his giant match.com virtual dating posse. But NOT his soiree for tonight. He flashes back to her profile pics, as they stare into each other’s eyes, knowing this could turn awkward QUICKLY for all four parties involved.
The duo does not speak, but somehow telepathically communicates the plan: Exit the scene graceful before anyone gets hurt – or humiliation takes over. More importantly – BEFORE THE “REAL DATES” CATCH ON.
Girl turns 90 degrees and spots her 6’5” “present date” approaching…looks back at “future date”…then laughs as if catching up with an old friend, “It was great seeing you. Let’s talk soon.”
Guy smiles and says, “Definitely. How about next week?” Girl spins on her heel, relishing in their Academy Award winning performances. She slyly greets 6’5’ Guy, but can’t keep her mind off Future Guy. She knows he will email her later that night.
Seven minutes later a gal named Christy rushes in…
TO BE CONTINUED….
On Match.com...it's a SMALL world!!! (especially at the bars)
Top 10 WORST Emails from Guys on Match.com
Let’s face it – truth is always stranger than fiction. So, I decided to compile a list of my favorite emails from Denver men on match.com. These are ACTUAL quotes…served up straight. And yes ladies, these men are walking the streets of the mile high city. Try not to fight over them.
10. Annie is my favorite play on Broadway. (You already sound like a child molester.)
9. (from an old 52 year old dude) Did you know that Frances Folsom Cleveland married President Grover Cleveland when she was 21 and he 49? They had a beautiful White House wedding and it was the cheer of the nation back then. (Good to know since I wasn’t paying attention in Mrs. Clark’s 8th grade U.S. History class.)
8. So I’ll get right to it — want to grab a beer? Nome of that “coors light” shit though, a real beer. (What, like a PBR? Or a Natural Light?)
7. I have a picture of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on my wall by my work-desk. (Are you flippin’ kidding me???!!!) When I look at their picture, I wonder. When I think of them, I see the idea of “humanitarianism.” We often think of actors as just actors or actresses … but really they are an expression of our best and worse selves. In Harrison Ford, I see the patriot; In Mel Gibson, I see the neurotic; In Nicole Kidman, I see the crusader, and in Demi Moore, I see the iconoclast. What about you? What do you see about the world in certain actor or actresses? (Dude, in your profile pic…I see “America’s Most Wanted” meets “Jersey Shore.”)
6. (from an asian man) I can tell that you’re the type to primarily date cauc-ASIANS b/c you fear that you wont find an Asian that’s taller than you? I have to admit, most are midgets. (Wow, if you were a white man, you would be called a racist! BTW..I’m turning you into the “Little People of America Association.’”)
5. Hey sexy, how was your Monday? I have seen dozens and dozens of women on here and you are far and away one of the hottest ones. (My Monday was great until you emailed me. Don’t ruin my Tuesday please.)
4. Wud up? (Your vocabulary skills clearly scream master’s degree.)
3. That’s what I am like: a heart of compassion – wanting to heal the world and make it a better place. I don’t just want to live; I want to make a difference. All while having fun, smelling the roses … wanting it all… (Do you work for Hallmark? If not I hear Dairy Queen is hiring.)
2. I work for a small up-and-coming terrorist organization in the marketing department. We’re doing great in Wyoming, but we have big hopes and dreams and want to start making a splash on the international circuit. As you can imagine, image is everything with terrorists. So I was thinking about doing a marketing campaign on cable TV, like CNN or maybe the home shopping network, can you help me out? (No, but maybe Suzanne Somers can – or Chuck Norris? Perhaps Sarah Palin when she’s done with her book tour?)
1. My American Dream includes a real life size action and full-of-life Barbie… and you fit the description. (Sorry Ken, get lost. I hear Skipper is single though.)
Feel free to share some of your best and worst…
